{Project Mayhem}

Chozo’s E3 2010 Rantstravaganza: Microsoft

Chozo — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 01:29:25 +0000

I still live, despite Target’s best efforts to draw my attention away from {PM} with something new and shiny and hence free up my server slot for someone who isn’t an insufferable douchebag.

With E3 upon us, I decided to take a break from sinking time (and money) into a goddamn DotA clone to watch E3 press events, because I’m job hunting and sitting around in my underwear watching grown men and women gyrate wildly for cold, unfeeling technology is a privilege I intend to savor until I ostensibly become a productive member of society. And hey, what’s the point of sitting down and wasting two hours of my life watching a press event if I don’t get to turn around and bitch about it? So let’s get down to business.

E3 2010: Microsoft

tl;dr version: schizophrenic clusterfuck.

Long version:

Microsoft’s press conference can pretty much be split into two parts: the first half was a parade of “hardcore” games, which in modern industry parlance means games that involve guns and unloading the clips of said guns into the faces of people you don’t like. Previewed games included Call of Duty: Black Ops (shooting people in the face, followed by climbing into a gunship to shoot people in the face with rockets), Gears of War 3 (shooting aliens in the face, only they aren’t aliens because technically this is their home planet so it’s man that is the real monster, or something), and Halo: Reach (shooting aliens in the face, who are actually aliens this time). Also previewed was Metal Gear Solid: Rising and its amazing “look at the ways you can cut a dude into, like, fifteen different pieces” physics engine, a gameplay mechanic that will assuredly wear out its welcome an hour into the actual game. Oh yeah, and there was the Fable 3 trailer presented by Peter Molyneux, but Peter Molyneux is the game industry’s Prince of Lies so fuck him.

So that’s the first half-hour apology to “hardcore gamers” of what turned out to be a 90ish minute presentation. It also happened to be the foreplay for the main act that was Project Nat—er, I’m sorry, Kinect.

In case you haven’t been paying much attention to the news coming out of the game industry (ie you aren’t a misanthropic social leper such as myself), you may not have heard that Microsoft is pushing Kinect like a year’s shipment of crystal meth is on the line. Microsoft is so adamant about pushing Kinect, in fact, that it got Cirque du Soleil to do an advertisement…thing for it. The end result is something that I really can’t put into words:

If your first thought watching that was “what the fuck,” you are not alone. Is this an advertisement for an electronics device, or an arthouse performance critiquing how we have become slaves to the devices we build to entertain us? Who the fuck knows, it could be both.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Kinect the device and not Kinect the commentary on man’s fall from grace.

The Kinect presentation was pretty much proof that Microsoft’s entire strategy in this area can be boiled down to two points:

1)Throw shit at wall
2)See what sticks

After bragging about Zune integration, a deal with ESPN (apparently to appeal to all those sports fans who own an Xbox 360 and a Live Gold account but not a basic cable subscription), and a Kinect teleconference with some of the most forced, stilted dialogue in a conference filled with forced, stilted dialogue (“my gamerscore is 100% legit!” crows the female “Microsoft employee” with all the conviction of an atheist in a foxhole), Microsoft shows off some games exclusively for Kinect. The end result is—outside of Harmonix’s dance game and maybe Ubisoft’s fitness game—a pile of crap that makes the flood of crap shovelware on the Wii look like Game of the Year contenders. But hey, don’t take my word for it, look at all these great games Microsoft is hawking:

It’s a sad world when a modern Sonic game looks like it might be the best in the bunch. A very, very sad world indeed.

Now, some of you have probably split yourselves into two camps: the hardcore “fucking casuals ruining gaming” group and the “well the Wii succeeded, so obviously the casuals will eat this up” group. I hate both of you, and I’ll explain why:

FUCKIN CASUALS RUINAN MY HARDCOAR GAMAN

If you call yourself a “hardcore gamer”, you’re an idiot and I hate you.

The phrase “hardcore gamer” is a magical phrase, because it means whatever you want it to. On most internet gaming forums, it means the user and other people who play games that they like, with everyone else being the “casual n00bs” who have been ruining gaming since some forgotten golden age that only exists in the user’s head. Game marketing has also been quick to pump the “hardcore” moniker for all its worth, finding value in convincing sexually-insecure teenage boys that playing Modern Warfare 2 (the Transformers 2 of gaming) makes them “hardcore.”

Think about it: only in gaming is partaking in the most commercialized, mass marketed products considered to be the moniker of a true devotee. It’s utterly absurd.

Now, I play a lot of games, way more than most people I know (and probably way more than I should). Am I a hardcore gamer? Maybe, but compared to somebody like Daigo Umehara I am smalltime, and a lot of gamers are in the same boat. This is why I view a lot of the “Wii/Kinect/PS3 motion control is destroying real gaming” arguments as petty, petulant wank from self-important manchildren who get massively butthurt when Roger Ebert (a man who has–apparently by his own admission–never played a video game in the last twenty years) says that games aren’t art because that means they don’t get to feel self-important and superior for playing Braid.

At the end of the day, mainstream acceptance won’t come because games are finally considered “art”: there are plenty of arty movies that nobody watches. Rather, movies are seen as a mainstream, accepted art form because there are a significant number of movies that appeal to people that exist outside of the 18-35 year-old male demographic. Games will never enter the mainstream so long as the lion’s share of money, dev time and attention goes to jingoistic, fuck-yeah Dudebro shooters that tickle the adrenal glands of young males but largely turn off everyone else.

OBVIOUSLY CASUALS WILL BUY KINECT, JUST LOOK AT THE WII

I also hate you, but not as much. Your stupidity is at least earnest rather than malicious.

To be honest, I’ve been on the fence about Kinect. The technology is certainly interesting, but it’s the games that will be the deciding factor. Microsoft is also, judging by their marketing strategy and tone at E3, going after two main groups:

1)the people who bought Wiis
2)the non-gamers who didn’t buy Wiis but might still be swayed to buy Kinect games

The problem is that, in 2010, Microsoft is late to the motion-control party and is at serious risk of coming off as an also-ran in that area. Rumors also have it that Kinect will retail for $150 (currently unknown if it comes alone or bundled with a game), meaning that a basic Arcade unit with Kinect will come in at one hundred dollars over a Wii when it’s all said and done. In light of these two factors, today’s conference needed to be a home run, with Kinect games making a strong, definitive argument that Microsoft’s motion control scheme is the future.

What we got…was riding the Wii’s nuts.

Nearly all of the games coming out from Microsoft’s internal studios seemed to have had their genesis in “well, why don’t we just remake Wii ________” (except for Kinectimals, where the idea seems to have been “you know what Nintendogs doesn’t have? Bullet time.”). None of the games shown from Microsoft made a compelling argument that Kinect was anything but a good idea hastily shoehorned onto a console in the middle of its lifecycle in the naïve hope that it would be a Wii-killer. As I said earlier, Harmonix’s dance game was the lone ray of light in the crap-brown darkness, and when a casual Ubisoft game looks good by comparison…well, that’s not a good sign.

All in all, the games presented gave me the impression that Microsoft was trying to get a piece of the casual game phenomenon without really understanding what makes games like Wii Sports work. Maybe my opinion will change when regular people (rather than Microsoft corporate shills) get a chance to really mess with Kinect, but I’m not optimistic.

In the aftermath people have been quick to declare this the worst E3 press conference ever, though I’m not sure I would go that far:

Above: Ozymandias for the modern era

Although declaring that everyone in the audience (nearly exclusively video game “journalists”) would be getting a free Slim Xbox 360 was a real dick-move: seriously Microsoft, if you’re going to be that nakedly craven at least be fucking subtle about it.

At the end of the day, there were no real bottom of an avatar’s shoe moments, but there was nothing in Microsoft’s Kinect Power Hour that convinced anyone that the entire ordeal wasn’t just a major waste of technology, money and time. What I saw was a company desperately trying to position its console as family-friendly despite years of marketing to the contrary, as well as trying to position its console as a multimedia hub even though there is little evidence that consumers actually want that tech nerd El Dorado. All in all, a pretty weak way to start off this year’s E3.

…well, hopefully Nintendo and Sony won’t fuck up this bad. Hopefully.

Scrim Team Looking for Demo

Yelly Von Hollerlots — Tue, 11 May 2010 01:36:51 +0000

Yes. We do in fact have a scrim team. It’s around here somewhere. In fact, Raist is looking for a good Demoman. If you’re interested, track him down and sticky bomb him or chop off his head with your Eyelander. (Or something equally hilarious I’m sure)

In fact, this is his Steam profile.

New server, new Mayhem!

A6M_Zero — Fri, 07 May 2010 23:17:29 +0000

As everybody knows, Project Mayhem got itself a shiny new 16-slot server; just in time for this!

A couple days ago I approached Yelly with the proposition that we add some new, fun content to the server. To my delight, he was enthusiastic about the idea, and I set off on a trek through the internet jungle to find some neat things.

I found a lot, and they all looked fun, but some of them weren’t suitable for a server dedicated to fairly normal play amongst the clan and others. . .then Yelly won us a fancy new server. Awesome! Now all of these fun ideas can be put on the new server- the “wacky” server if you will. Without further adieu, a whole bunch of awesome things I found that I need YOU guys to vote for :D

_,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,_

To start off, some cosmetic changes to add some fun to the server!

Chibi Dispensers!!

Admit it, the game is just that much better with these cute little things blowing hearts at you. Who can say they don’t want these faces smiling away while you fire an arrow into someone’s head?
—-
Here
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The Kazoo of Courage!

It’s funny, non-intrusive, and there’s no glitchy flag strapped to your back. Who wouldn’t want a kazoo? Besides, it fits the silly theme of the game better.

—-
Here
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The Hylian-lander!

It’s just better, let’s be honest. In a triumphant throwback to probably the most awesome game of all time, when grenades aren’t doing the trick you can bring out your Master Sword and go green on someone’s red/blue ass.

—-
Here
and Here
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That’s all for the cosmetic changes (there’s a secret one that Yelly has already all but okay’d.

Now…Time for some AWESOME, CONTROVERSIAL CHANGES THAT WILL ROCK YOUR SOCKS. Why would we want to play on a 16-slot server when we have a big shiny 30-slotter? Here’s why, FUN SUPERTASTIC WIN STUFF that YOU need to show support on! Remember, these will ONLY take effect on the 16-slot server.

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Prop bonus round! Find the losers!

You know what’s fun? Winning. You know what isn’t fun? Losing. You know what’s a waste of time? Bonus round. . .OR IT WAS!

NOW! The losers of a game will be transformed into common props, and the winners get to run around for 10 seconds trying to find the sneaky players trying to blend in. WAS THAT WOODPILE HERE BEFORE? NO!? IT’S BELLE!

The same idea, except for an entire round.

Here

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Drinking away your problems. With this mod, the demoman bottle-taunt will randomly either heal you or hurt you. Can you truly find salvation at the bottom of a bottle? Find out.

Fun fact: A broken bottle only has half the effect!

Here

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You know what would add variety? Shotguns that weren’t identical! Cry at VALVe no more, I present to you: Class-specific shotguns!

You know you want them.

Heeeere

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Extra blood, why wouldn’t you want it? This one isn’t too exciting, I know you all needed a breather from the awesome shotguns.

Here

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Bane of Barracuda.

No image for this one, but it’s a little mod that punishes a sniper if 3 of his kills in a row are all bodyshots. Why rage at a bodyshot whore when the server will do it for you? This baby will ignite the sniper and display a big message to let everyone know who isn’t able to aim.

http://forums.alliedmods.net/showthread.php?t=95461&highlight=[TF2]

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Now…The biggest change, and one that we’ll either reject altogether or test for a week or so to see if we like it. I won’t say much, but it’s a TON of neat new abilities added to the classes, take a look at

_,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,__,.-’~'-.,_

SO! I need ALL OF YOU to post in the comments for this post what you think, what you ate for breakfast, and most importantly. . .WHAT AWESOME FEATURES DO YOU WANT TO ADD!?

Coming This Evening…

Yelly Von Hollerlots — Thu, 06 May 2010 13:52:26 +0000

A brand new 16 slot server thanks to Yelly whoring himself out for free stuff.

{Project Mayhem} | Chicago
75.102.38.26:27015

One Year of {Project Mayhem}

Yelly Von Hollerlots — Mon, 03 May 2010 17:45:15 +0000

This past weekend marked 1 year since {Project Mayhem} officially started. Back then we were just a single 24 person server in Seattle. Now we’ve grown to… um- a 30 slot server in San Jose. (after a brief stop in Chicago in the middle) Crazy how much has happened in a year.

Although we do have a much bigger following than when we first started. Long gone are the days of Lester and I bribing anyone who stumbled across our server with crack to get them to stay. Holding sniper duels with each other on 2fort because what the fuck else were we going to do with no one playing on the server.

We’ve spammed a shit-ton of songs and banned a few douchebags. We survived an attempted coup and a near clan-war. We’ve scrambled to fix the server several times after Valve’s crappy updates.

There’s been quite a few great memories over the last year and some odd (if not somewhat slightly disturbing) friendships that have been made.

I’m going to stop this reminiscing shit before this place gets too sappy. Now get the fuck on the server and rip some shit up.

-Yelly

Attention Monkeys!

roorl0lw3t — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 22:35:30 +0000

Hello monkeys and wanders onto our web page! Coming up this May, all you space monkeys have homework to do!!! unless you want to miss out on shiny new prizes for completing the most homework first! This is how it goes… (best interpretation from many lines of text):

First off, these homework assignments are COMPLETELY voluntary so if you do not want to do them you don’t have to. If you remember the application process, we used to require little “homework” assignments to be done in order to join, but Target thought of something better although IT REQUIRES FEED BACK FROM ALL OF YOU MONKEYS (info can be found here.) So Wahwee took it upon himself to think a fun new way to bring back assignments. In the forums Wahwee and many other members and admins gave feedback to get around 20 assignments to complete. Now these are not going to be easy like the applicant homework and will require more work; you will more than likely need demos and to convert demos into video. It doesn’t have to be fancy with effects just enough to meet the requirements of the assignment. Some of you might be saying, but these assignments seem hard to just be declared a winner… well your WRONG!!!

Your not JUST a winner, you get a prize[s] that benefit you in the server! The prize[s] aren’t fully figured out but can include: bonus round immunity, a special hat only for the winner, and/or maybe some other mysterious prize[s]!!!

Assignments will be posted tomorrow so be ready to get frustrated and spend many more hours on the server! And most importantly, GOOD LUCK to everyone participating!

New updates for Project Mayhem

roorl0lw3t — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 19:00:52 +0000

First off, I am sitting here with sore legs from an awesome trip to Kirkwood for some INSANE snowboarding and going back up in less than 12 hours. Back on topic, we are in the process of setting up a new application process that can be seen here. Some people thought the “homework” was like school homework and made people re-think joining. So Target thought of overhauling the application process to avoid people being turned off by “homework”. Also we, the admins, are trying to come up with some new ideas to get our server even more activity. As always, ideas are always welcomed in the Self Improvement/Destruction topic, so if you think you have the next greatest idea since sandvich parties, or just want us to look into something add a new topic and tells what your idea is from a new day theme to server mod. All ideas are welcomed.

I must get some rest for more snow tomorrow and by the time this is posted i should be hitting up the slopes in some awesome powder.

Tired muse-ings

A6M_Zero — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 05:55:34 +0000

I just got out of a car I’d been in for 11 hours.

I’m tired.

Anyways, I’m back from a Muse concert my girlfriend took me to, and I’m finally home after a 6-hour wait due to 60 mph ocean winds delaying my ferry (concert was in Vancouver, I live on Vancouver Island). Muse had 11 cargo trucks and 6 busses, 12 foot rotating risers, 2 meter wide balloons, and a light/laser show that I paid more attention to than the band itself. While they definitely have the highest budget concerts in the world right now, I thought Green Day sounded a lot better and had more energy in the concert of theirs I went to.

So yeah, that’s why I haven’t posted anything in a while. Here, watch this:

what handkerchief?

roorl0lw3t — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:00:09 +0000

Did you see the handkerchief? lol Well anyways, where are you at 10pm on Wednesdays? Well, you should be watching brand new, shiny, episodes of South Park! They are hilarious, but seriously that bush looks just like it!

Some news relating to TF2:
According to PyshcoStats enzo is 3rd even though his kdr is one of the highest. Number 1 is ‘zek and 2nd is biznich. This makes me wonder how PyshcoStats ranks players. The 1st and 2nd must cap a lot of points to upset the balance of enzo being number one with his super high kdr and team stacking capability. Seriously any team he is on wins every time!

Also, I will not be in the server owning all you guys making you cry “why roor??? Why must you shoot us in the face all time with the huntsman AND sniper rifle?!” My laptop died or is pretty much dead and I will be replacing it with a new tower hopefully soon this week. This new tower will bring in a while new level of hurt for all you! MUAHAHAHA!!! More, faster, and smoother, and nicer looking head shots for all! YAY!

Also new content update for TF2; there is a new hat for every class except for the medic, the medic gets a misc item slot (like the camera beard), and a couple new items for a few classes. This has been posted in the forums so rather than tell you here, you go here and look at this link. Hopefully Vish (i assume) will be adding in those hats for all of us {PM} people to wear!

So, hopefully soon i can be back in the server with all of you soon. So dont get too used to the idea of your head not being shot off. And for those of you who answered “what handkerchief?” i advise you not to put belts across your necks and dress up as batman. This always ends up fatal…

Crying about the Huntsman is stupid, and so are you

Chozo — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:55:53 +0000

{PM} has many things that other servers do not: girls, for example (at least we think they’re girls). There’s also my totally sweet The Fury (I’m sorry, “space helmet”) hat that you cannot have, because I am awesome and you are not. Alas, we sometimes have in abundance what other servers have, such as whiny bitches crying about the thing that just killed them.

Some background is probably needed…

Last night (likely a few nights ago by the time you read this), some poor schlub (screen name removed to protect the innocent, plus I don’t remember who it was because I’m just that lazy with names) challenged BlueSkyDefender to a “play a different class, you chickenshit pussy” bet. BlueSky—in case you don’t know—plays Huntsman Sniper almost exclusively, which is apparently a point of contention amongst the sandy vaginas that sometimes manage to slam their faces on the keyboard in just the right sequence to log on to our server. In this case, the end result was that the server was subjected to BlueSky and Schlub arguing over what class each of them should play for this inane bet like two fishmongers arguing over a choice salmon for the better part of a half hour.

The apex of the argument (paraphrased from what I remember at 12 AM Pacific time):

“You have to play Soldier,” said Schlub, his voice thick with the self-satisfied pride of someone who’s fully convinced that he’s the next Havelock fucking Vetinari.

“Why do you get to pick my class?” asked BlueSky, apparently realizing that entertaining this stupid argument had brought him to this terrible terminus.

“Because I have to play Sniper,” replied Schlub, spitting out the last word like it was an epithet.

And so the bet was eventually sealed. BlueSky went on to perform adequately as a Soldier (a class with which he has a whole 3 hours of experience according to his stat tracking), while Schlub flailed around uselessly as a Huntsman Sniper and bitched about it a lot. Apparently challenging BlueSky to play a class that requires the same base set of skills as his preferred setup (hitting moving targets with a large, slow, OHKO projectile) wasn’t a very smart idea. Who would have thought?

Oh wait, I did. It’s nice to not be fucking stupid.

That story just filled the front page with a lot of bad juju, so I need to bring the mood up a bit with a DAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW picture:

(Jirajirajirajirajirajirajirajirajira)

Momma always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, but I managed to post this picture in a completely unrelated discussion. I learned her!

…what were we talking about? Oh, yeah.

People bitching about things that kill them is nothing new ~~for those of us who play when Cleora is on~~ on the Internet: in TF2, Snipers are probably only equaled by Spies in terms of the “they killed me, how unfair” bitching they draw. As Valve themselves noted, the default Sniper is designed to engage other classes on their own carefully defined terms, and are designed to be intentionally very weak when they’re forced into other circumstances: this leads to a lot of situations where you either faceroll the Sniper or they rip you a new asshole with little you can do, with not much in-between. Since psychologists have proven that players associate winning with “God I am so awesome” and losing with “God this game is such cheating bullshit,” the problem with this class design should be immediately obvious.

Valve’s solution was to make the Sniper a more “close quarters” class by giving them the Huntsman. That didn’t help much, if the story above is any indication. It’s also an indication about how people bitching about a class spec is rarely correlated to a spec’s actual effectiveness. And I’m pretty comfortable in saying that a good rifle Sniper is a much more valuable asset than a good Huntsman Sniper.

Let me explain. What role does a Sniper serve on a team?

“To be cheap!” cries Schlub. “The game would be balanced just fine if Snipers didn’t exist!” Maybe Schlub, maybe. But you could say that for most of the classes.

The Sniper is the class equivalent of artillery/air support/the guys with bows and arrows when most of your army is spears and swords…pick your analogy. Like all of those, they can do a pretty good job of clearing the area for the grunts to move in but are largely incapable of claiming ground on their own (barring rare, specific circumstances). Also like most of those examples, they need the grunts to act as an obstacle to the enemy so that they can do their thing without harassment: this is why Sniper-heavy teams tend to do poorly, despite their ability to headshot every target into oblivion.

The reason the Huntsman is a less effective Sniper in general is that it tries to turn the Sniper into a class that it was never meant to be: a close-combat scrapper. While it’s definitely the better Sniper spec on some maps (Junction probably being one of the best examples), compared against other classes built towards the same purpose (Scouts, Soldiers, Pyros) it fares poorly. And if you’re one of those good players (ie not me) who can quick-scope with a Sniper rifle then the Huntsman’s advantage at close range is no longer such a big selling point. Oh, and don’t forget hitscan versus leading with a slow projectile. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that, on the whole, Rifle Snipers probably pull better K:D ratios than Huntsman snipers do, even if you account for the “hiding in the back like a little bitch” advantage Rifle Snipers have.

This isn’t exclusive to Huntsman Snipers, of course. The amount of crying on the Valve forums about Eyelander/Targe Demos (a spec that requires you to kill four people in melee with a no-crit weapon in order to even be a better choice than just using the damn sticky launcher) was legendary. Like magpies, people are apparently too easily distracted by new shiny things to view them in an objective fashion. More so when INTERNET PRIDE™ is on the line.

But really, {PM} is a “casual” server when it’s all said and done: we don’t (usually) play 6-on-6 scrims with 2Scouts/2Soldiers/Demo/Medic, we don’t endlessly debate the true usefulness of the Heavy, and we’re not insufferable “my MLG team is sooooooo good” douchebags. We have !RTD Wednesdays and play Wacky Races while debating the heterosexuality of dickgirl porn: I think it’s safe to say that if you’re playing here, the reason you’re getting your ass kicked has very little to do with class balance. Quit crying about the arrow in your face and play the fucking game.